the journey of a fat woman a small glimps into my head

Yes I have titled this the journey of a fat woman. I have decided to document my journey from fat to healthy. I am the only one who made me the way that I am and I am the only one to blame for my unhealthy self. this is FAT me.

****warning this is about to be extremely personal******* something I haven't done with blogging thus far.

I wasn't always this way I was a healthy child and very active. It wasn't until my Junior year of High school that I started gaining weight. I maintained the little I had gained until I moved out and lived on my own. Things are diffently different when you are on your own and have to work and provide for yourself. I lived next door to a DQ bad idea. It was so much easier to go to DQ for food then it was to make it myself. This Begin my addiction to fast food. When I got engaged I had 2 months before our wedding was to be held. I got my dress and it fit perfect. However, the day I got married my dress was very tight. I am surprised that it didn't split open. My self esteem was so low and food was my friend. I hated to be alone and when I was I would eat. Nervous energy. I love to cook and felt that being married was a good reason to show off my skills to my hubby. This however made it harder to even think about loosing weight. I struggled with getting pregnant and had 6 years of a very emotional roller coaster. I wanted a baby , I wanted to be a mom and I wanted my family to go. I disliked others who were able to get pregnant and I couldn't so I ate. I put on so much weight that by the time I actually did get pregnant I became a high risk. I had to be monitored to make sure my health would be able to carry the baby with out problems. Gaining weight was what you were supposed to do while pregnant so I did but not much. I gained baby weight and a tiny bit more. luckily this was the first time since I had been married I actually lost weight. I lost 17 pounds within the first 3 months of pregnancy I then gained it back plus . When I gave birth to my first child I lost all the weight it was mostly water any way. Not long after that I put 10 pounds back on and got pregnant with baby #2. I gained the same amount as the first time so that was good and flirted with a number I never thought I would see on the scale. I had mentioned to others that if I ever get that big just shoot me I don't want to live as a fat person who is that big. Well good thing they all thought I was joking because I am still here today. So baby number 2 came and went and not all the weight came off this time. baby #3 was in a hurry to get here so I again flirted with that huge number I had seen not to long ago with baby #2 I knew I was ok as long as the day I gave birth I didn't reach that 100 mark. Sadly the day baby # 3 was born I was 2 pounds over that 100 mark. This was discouraging and so I ate. I was to tired having 3 kids under 4 to even think about doing anything to get healthy. I was not only now a mom of 3 but I also did a day care. Chocolate at the end of the day was my best friend. We ate out all the time and as much hamburgers, fries, and soda's as we could stuff in our faces. Then Baby #4 decided to come, or at least we thought baby #4 would be coming. 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant I lost baby #4 to the all wonderful miscarry. Gotta love the body. This at the time was a huge blessing since #3 was only 9 months old. This effected me when the baby was suppose to be born and I realized then that I wasn't going to have mine. I know sometimes it takes me awhile to get my emotions to catch up to my body. It has now been 4 years since I have been able to get pregnant. So the fat journey continues. I would wake up counting the minutes to nap time I would sneak food when I knew the kids were not looking and then have snacks with hubby every night while watching tv. Today when the kids are asked what they want for dinner sadly the only things they suggest is fast food. WE differently eat out way to much.

I knew I was obese at this point and still I didn't do anything about it. I tried different diets along the way but usually only for a month or so then I would reach that all familiar plateau and just give in to the craving of sweets and salts. My monthly cycles didn't help either I craved so much crap during this time and I gave in. Resulting in feeling awful and beating myself up over doing it. Thus causing me to eat even more. I went to weight watchers and gained weight. I am probably the only person who has ever gained weight with this program. So I gave up. I just lived my life the best I could. I felt like crap all the time, I had no energy, all I want to do it sleep and eat. My stomach hurt all the time. I prayed and cried and was more then shocked when I stepped on the scale and saw the biggest weight I have ever been. It was at this time that hubby and I were planning a trip to England. How could I go to England looking like a hippo? They wont even have a seat big enough for me to sit in. I was depressed. My brother and his wife had just had a baby at this time and I decided that I wanted to go and visit since I missed there wedding and the birth of there first child. I had to go. This gave me a drive to work out. I was going to loose weight so I looked good to go home. My mom was also at a point that she wanted to loose weight so I challenged her to loose 10 pounds by a certain date. She gladly took me up on this and we talked every day. I never told her I was coming it was going to be a surprise. She however had made plans to not be home the weekend I was to come. This ruined everything I was so depressed I ate. I cried and I gave in and told my parents I was coming to visit. I hadn't been on a plane since before I had kids so that was different going through all that. Sadly I couldn't even get the seat belt on I had to get an extension. I couldn't believe it. I am an elephant. I had a great visit home though. My parents fed me to much and I ate it. I came home and started planning what I would wear to England. I finally gave in to the fact that I wouldn't loose enough weight to look good on our trip and so I went shopping to find huge clothing for me to wear that would help me feel good about the way I looked. Then I got an email from my Grandma. She means well but she spoke her mind and told me what I could do to loose weight and that I was really fat and she was embarrassed by me. Or at least that is how I took it. England was great since I had flow a few months earlier I knew that I had to ask for the extension right away as to not embarrass myself later. They were very nice about it and we had a good time. We walked every where and I was so tired and sore from all the walking. I am too fat and to out of shape for England. There was a stander there that by the end I couldn't even live up to . Dressing nice every day with make up is so hard for me. The effort alone is too much. Don't get me wrong I loved the trip it was amazing to go and spend all that time with just Dan that is however a different story. After we go home I started having some weird heart rhythms. My heart would start beating really fast and I was sitting on the couch. Or I would be out of breathe and not done anything but stand up. I was worried but didn't do anything or say anything and it would go away. Then at the end of May I was in a state where my heart was really scaring me. I was having palpitations and racing and I could feel it pumping so hard. I walked around for 2 weeks with this problem and it wasn't going away. It was really kicking my butt. I had less energy not enough breath and I was scared to death. I went to a baby shower and ended up leaving early while I was driving home I had a strong feeling that I was on my way to a heart attach if I didn't do something about it now. I went home and told hubby all about it and how scared I was and he gave me a blessing. This was a Saturday. Monday I called the Dr. and went into have everything checked out. I hadn't had any problems since my blessing so I knew they wouldn't find any thing out of the ordinary however I went thorough the 48 hour monitor just to make sure. This was not fun. The tape they used to stick it on me was making me so itching and it burned that when they took it off I had what looked like a big (hickey) on my chest. This was awful it was sore from being burned and itchy . Darn allergies.

I know it looks weird but this is what the heart monitor did to my skin

That was it my knock in the head to say to get off my butt and get healthy. I cant be a 33 year old mother of 3 and have a heart attach. I had by now gotten my blood results back and they were not good. I had plack in my arteries and my cholesterol was really high. My blood pressure was slightly elevated and well not good news at all.

While I was having the heart problems I keep thinking of this book I had come across several years ago and I knew I needed to find it. THIS was going to be my ticket to get me started. I couldn't find my book and I kept thinking who did I loan it too where could it be. We had packed up our home because we had hoped to move and since I couldn't think of anything else I realized they must be in the boxes. I called my friend whom I had told about the book years ago as well and who had followed this book and had amazing results not only with her health but with her appearance as well. I really do owe so much to her for having the guts to go it alone and just do it. She is my rock my inspiration and I couldn't even talk about this if it wasn't for her.

I guess by now you are wondering what this book is. Well I will get to that in a moment. So back tracking a bit I feel I need to say how I came across this particular book.

Several years ago I was wanting to loose weight but knew that fad diets wouldn't work for me. This was a time when Adkins was really popular and I knew that if I did Adkins I would die. Don't ask me how I knew I just did. So I kept praying for something that I could do that would be healthy for me help me loose weight and still help me to keep the commandments from our church. I wanted something that was like the word of wisdom that was already written so I could just follow it and not have to write something myself. I went to the library. I do not remember if someone had told me about this book or if it just popped out at me but either way it seems that a book called "EAT RIGHT 4 YOUR BLOOD TYPE" just jumped off the shelf at me. I picked it up and took it home. I spent that day reading the book and finding out what it was all about. The more I read the more it made sense to me. I reflected on childhood and when my parents had a garden and we weren't allowed to have meat very often because they couldn't afford it and so we lived on fresh fruits and veggies and I felt great. As I read I realized the reason why I felt so good as a child. I was actually eating right for me and the foods that are on my avoid list or bad list as I like to call it are the foods that made me sick as a child. I just couldn't eat them at all. Now I know why. So the day I went to the Dr. to follow up after my monitor was also the day I truly decided that I was going to follow this book again no matter what. There were changes that had to be made and I made them. I went gluten free and only purchased food that was good for me. The kids got on board and have been supportive of my get healthy journey. I made a goal to loose just 5 pound the first month. I know how long it has taken me to get fat and I know what I did to get fat and having the will power to avoid these things wasn't hard at all. I just stopped eating sugar, drinking soda and eating all the bad foods for me including hamburgers. The first month I did fantastic. I lost 20 pounds I was amazed at my results. This is me after the first month

after one month of eating right and incorporating exercise.

So since my stomach didn't hurt as much as normal I felt like exercising. I have an amazing group of friends who came up with a summer schedule for all the kids. Knowing that I didn't have a car they made a lot of the activities close enough for me to walk. So everyday I pack up the kids and go to one of these activities. It usually ends up being 3 miles round trip. Which was really a great way for me to work out and get away from the house at the same time. I also felt that I could do more. I have a 3 mile walking video by Leslie Sansone and figured why not I could do at least an extra mile a day besides walking with the kids. The first week I about died. It was so hard. I couldn't breathe very well and it seems like forever before I could catch my breath and this was only 1 mile. however I kept doing it and it got easier as most things do pretty soon I was doing not only the 2 but the 3 every day I walked with the kids 3 miles and worked out 3 miles on my own I am still following the book so I am eating so healthy.

Then I had a set back. My cycles got messed up again and I had 2 lovely visitors in a month. I craved everything I had given up. I didn't want to give it but it felt like a monster living in my brain screaming at me to do it. I was weaker then I wanted to be and did give in and hated myself every moment for 2 weeks I tried so hard to eat good and for 2 weeks I succeeded but on top of that I also gave in and ate treats and junk food and had soda. My stomach was screaming stop what are you doing and caused me to be in a lot of pain. I regretted it I knew I had to be better and I gained weight. This was awful I wanted to be good and never give up. I couldn't stop the monster in my head. It was yelling louder then my stomach and I feel forcing me to be bad. Being bad was worse on me then anything because the emotions I dealt with internally was horrible. However, once my second cycle came and I had a reason for the monster to be so strong I was able to kick it out and over come it and get back on track. Who knows if this will be just a temporary thing and what the next month cycle will bring but for now the monster is quiet and I am back on track. My 3 mile work out at home was starting to get easy and we the kids and I were walking to our destinations faster then ever before. Last year it would have taken us over 1 hour to go 1 mile. Now we can go 1 1/2 miles in 30 minutes with 8 kids. I spent some time with hubby's family over the past weekend and knew I couldn't give in so I ate what I knew was good for me. On Sat. I went and purchase a 4 fast mile walk with Leslie Sansone for an add work out to challenge myself since the 3 was getting easy. I decided that I needed to do a last chance work out because of the monster and gaining back some of what I had lost I had to work really hard. I practically exercised all day on Sat. except for when we were with the family and when I wasn't taking care of sick kids/hubby. I ended up walking 7 miles at home with my videos on Sat. I was so amazed with my self that I could 1 that I would actually even think about trying and 2 that I made it thought the entire 4 mile work out after having already done the 3 mile earlier that day. Wow 7 miles just in my living room. These are very aerobic and fast and really make me sweat. So between the eating right, working out, walking with the kids, sweating and drinking way more water then I would have normally I am proud to say I got the weight I had regained off plus and now total today I have lost 26 pounds. I know it is slower then the first month but I am gaining muscle now and I toning my body in ways I haven't done since high school. The weight loss right now is just an added bonus to what I have accomplished in the past 2 months. I have already lost a size and was so excited when I was able to put on not 1 but 2 pairs of pants that I haven't worn in over 7 years and I could sit down in them with out feeling miserable. This is me Today. I know I have a long ways to go and my journey has only just begun but I also know that I am getting stronger every day both mentally and physically. I know I can do it. I will continues my journey with up dates perhaps not daily but occasionally so I can remember this great feeling of accomplishment. I have a wonderful support team on the home front and I love each of them. Dan (hubby) is so proud he is telling everyone about it. Look at LaDawn she has lost ..... pounds I am so proud of her. It is wonderful to have him express that to others. The kids are my work out buddies with out them I might not always get accomplished what I want. They amaze me with all the food changes as well. My youngest is my pickiest eater and he is more then willing now to try something new and usually loves it. This journey started out as just me and now my entire family is on board. My hopes are that by getting healthy some of the problems I have now hormonal wise and inherited will go away and my risk for a heart attach will become no existent. I want to live to be a mom on this earth to the children that have been in trusted to my care. I Know I couldn't do this with out My Heavenly Fathers help and with out the help of my wonderful family so as a promised here is a picture of me today.